my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
