Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
So squirting runs in the family.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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