one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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