i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.