It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...