you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
