Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
