At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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