I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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