You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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