So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
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Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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