He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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