I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
whose ass print is on the piano?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
