i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it