Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.