mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
