Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
