Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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