Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
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