True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
