Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
