I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
