Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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