I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
