party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
