she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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