i wish starbucks made bloody marys
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just had sex on a roof
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
