I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
