You just made me feel so damn special
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
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You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
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Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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