Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
