So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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