he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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