Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
