I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
