i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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