i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Randomize
