I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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