The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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