to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
