I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
