Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My vagina is officially offended.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
