dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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