A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
