I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
