Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
