Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
