when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
