THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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