Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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