Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
if only i could text you this smell
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
