On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
