Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Randomize
