I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
