First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
