sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
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After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
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This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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