Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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