I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
