You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
