I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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