I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
